Thursday, April 14, 2005

The haircut does something to your brain....

I spent most of my army life in ‘S’ Company BMTC 2 in the years 1998 – 99. Most of it was terrible, although we did have fun times, and what I have seen is living proof that a recruit haircut and the number 4 uniforms does something to your brains.

The one with the itchy balls

This one is told to me by Marcus, one of my juniors in S Company and I got involved because the recruit belonged to my squad. Anyway the story goes like this; it was the first day of enlistment, and we had a heck of a time getting the recruits to settle in, distribute uniform, haircut, etc etc. So Marcus was the COS (the company orderly sergeant) that day, and boy, he was bushed, because he practically spent the day running around. So, the next morning I was the duty instructor, and called the platoon to fall in. And lo and behold, one recruit was missing. I was frantic! Where the *beep* did he go? Recruits are NOT supposed to disappear! Not on the 2nd day of their NS life! Of course, I interrogated his section. All I got were blank stares. Apparently, they too didn’t know where he had disappeared to.

I thought, heck it, I’ll march them to the cookhouse and get them for breakfast and then later I’ll go and find that idiot….and throttle him. And lo and behold, Marcus the breakfast COS, my ol’ buddy comes cursing and swearing at me. Apparently, this is what happened.

5am in the company line…..

*knocks on door*
Marcus: WHAT! I was sleeping! What’s your problem!
Recruit: Urrrr Sargent…..I cannot sleep….
Marcus: What? You want me to rock you to sleep is it! WTF!
Recruit: Urrrr Sargent….my balls are itchy leh….really cannot sleep.

Marcus at this time fights the urge to kill.

The commotion at this time wakes the duty warrant officer up, who JUST happened to be sleeping in the company line too.

DWO: Just let him go report sick.
Marcus: What? Sir…but….
DWO: NEVERMIND! Bring him to the Med Centre!

Marcus grudgingly agrees, and verbally abusing the recruit all the way, marches him to the med centre. For itchy balls.

The One that Cannot Clean Rifle

Range is one of the most important events in ‘S’ Company. Since it was the company that was in charge of training the rest in that island in range, we SET the standard, always with 100% passes in range. Of course, there are always those that could not hit the broad side of a barn. Thus, we cheated big time, but hey, it happens, right?

Of course, I was merrily being the instructor this guy beside me…. 2 months to ORD…. thinking about my gf and the coming weekend….blah blah.

Of course, it was time to fire. And so the target popped up. Of course the next thing that happens is of course gunshots. But not this one. There was a pfffft sound, that sounded like a fizzle. Of course, the recruit yelled IA! But the creepy part is that when he ejected the round, the round was dented and deformed, and some of the gunpowder was spilling out. Of course, me, being mega pissed off, grabbed the rifle and checked what was going on. I couldn’t see out of the barrel. Which meant that the chamber or the barrel was blocked.

The joker had left a 5 piece rod section in the barrel.

From then on, no one was allowed to clean rifles at range in ‘S’ coy. (For that period, I suppose).

2 weeks later, all the combined forces of the OC, PC, and armourer couldn’t get the rod out of the rifle. That rifle was written off, I suppose. I spent half that day writing statements and I must have repeated my story about a dozen times in front of the PC, OC, CO, etc, etc….

The one that looked where he was going….and fell down.

This one amuses me to this day. This recruit was a pretty decent one. He was the last person I expected to foul up. So what happened was, I was sending the recruits to breakfast. And they were expected to ‘run’ all times. So this guy later comes up to me with a wicked looking gash in his leg. The path between the holding area and the cookhouse had a grassy area with an old tree in it. It had roots and I reminded the recruits to look where they were running.

“Sargent, I injured myself, can I go to report sick?”
“Ok, but I thought I told you people to look where you were running? Why didn’t you follow instructions?”
“Sargent, I was, but I didn’t look up and bumped into a tree branch, and then fell down.”

I’ll do a re-enactment with Stikfas next time, for better effect, if I can.


Aristocrat said...

Reminds me of my instructor days at Tekong also muahaha..hilarious stories.

I have one recruit (pronounced eggwhite in chinese) that disappeared on me as well. It was during one of their mealtimes, I think dinner. After they all came back, I gave them their last parade, and found to my horror, that this dan bai was missing. He was the Recruit X in your stories, but in mine, he's X, Y and Z. Infamous bugger in my coy. Anyway, we searched all over for him, and in the end, he came back by himself.

When we interrogated him where he went, he said, "To the canteen to buy batteries."

On Eagle's Wings said...

The cutting of hair does wonders. Especially to recruits.
To quote from my encik:
"You maggots ah, hair cut off become botak cannot think, cannot remember how to walk back, cannot even remember how to go back to your company line from the cookhouse of medical centre. BMTC so small can 'horlan'(get lost), you last time keep long hair go jalan jalan around big big Orchard Road area still can find your way home right or not? Then why you so blur here?"

I guess the hair cut really has some "magical powers".

lun said...

ehs. mohawk encik. a Guards staff sergeant izzit. think the name's james or smth.

On Eagle's Wings said...

Haha.. That was 2 or 3 enciks ago. Saw his photo around the company offices. I heard that he was kilat. Never had a chance to see him tough.

lun said...

really? hmm he was still there when i was a recruit back in sept last year. loved calling us maggots at the POP rehearsals.

kureshii said...

"bloody monkey", "maggots", and a few other catch phrases seem to be common language among all senior enciks. maybe they pick it up in encik courses.

Takumi said...

My "maggot" theory is that recruits are the lowest forms of life in the army, hence they represent the larval stage, or maggots.

kureshii said...

wrong. recruits are not the lowest lifeforms. officer cadets are the lowest lifeforms, even when you're already 40 weeks into your course. expected to know and do everything, while getting treated like recruits. no, worse than recruits.

you have no idea how du lan we feel when, the week of our commissioning, the SSM PA comes up to one of us and says "the SSM wants [the thing] now, if not you will get 7 extras". Now, SSM is not the kind to tnrow extras around, he prefers making you run around the parade square (175X125m, but i think my memory has failed me), so i suppose if we failed to comply he's going to sign the punishments book on SSM's behalf. And hey, it's not like we're not cooperating; it is our commissioning, after all.

Watching a CPL throw his stuff around in front of a bunch of very-soon-to-be officers is fucking sickening. We've been taking shit for 41 weeks, and we've been talking about treating our men right and how we'd balance performance and welfare and stuff like that, and then this one guy has to open his mouth and make us rethink our command philosophy, and throw all that welfare shit out the window.

Takumi said...

Hmmmph. Really? You win some, you lose some, I suppose. I mean, it seems pretty fair to me, you get the rank and boss people around later, as well as higher pay, a decent commissioning ball, and parade, you have to suffer first. It's the system. Blame it.

That's the price for being decorated. On a sidenote, no wonder I've met some pricks who were officers in the army in uni. They must have not gotten over the OCS trauma.

kureshii said...

well, "decent commissioning ball and parade" is subjective. very subjective. if you're unlucky you end up with a f*cked up parade like mine.

after 42 weeks of being treated worse than recruits some people get too carried away with their newfound "power and respect". like teens getting high on alcohol their first time.

but yeah, the paycheck feels really good ^_-

lun said...

kureshii: eh ur cohort's commissioning parade's legendary loh. combat engineer SOH winner peng-san on parade. woohoo. by the way u know any of these 3 guys, 2LT Z W Cai, 2LT S P Ng and 2LT Z W Leow?

kureshii said...

lun, please don't remind me.

luckily the cobmat E guy peng after getting the SOH...imagine if he peng before the awards ceremony?

i don't know any of the peng people. i know one of them was from my buddy wing in OCS though, don't know the guy's name. then there was one navy guy, well-known for never having survived a parade without penging before. i wonder who made the decision to put him on parade.