Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Misadventures of Encik L - Part Deux


We come to another accident-filled installment of The Misadventures of Encik L.

The names of people and companies in this blog have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent and of curse to protect my a** from being whooped by the not-so-innocent people if they find they have been named as the not-so-innocent… erm… hope you catch my drift.

Now, where were we? Ahh… the hills are alive with the sound of… BAM!!!!!!! Contact!!! Tututututututututut! Hostile at 12 o’clock! Tututututututututut! Cover me!

The mundane sounds of GST, no not your 5% tax but group and section training – that wonderful opportunity for a soldier to get to know his fellow sufferers out in the smoldering heat of the dense lalang forest of Singapore’s premier integrated resort island, Tekong Country Club.

Of course GST, feels just like the 5% we pay for everything – not worth it, all for nothing, and occasionally bloody painful. “WTF! Eh bruddah! 5cents extra?!? Kacang putih also got GST!?!”

In our case of course, GST out in the middle of Tekong sets the scene for our hero Encik L. Encik L, well, what can one say… you either love him or just laugh the hell at him.

So here we are, a hot stifling day. The men have been through rounds of tekan…ah I mean loving attention… by the friendly people who just happen to have squiggly lines on their arms or crabs on their shoulders (often a result of illicit partnerings at the near-by Changi Village… aiyah… wrong type of crab).

Encik L was sitting in the shade of the three-toner, feeling a tad lost in thought, which in layman’s terms means he can’t remember what he was trying to remember to remember.

In a moment of inspired genius, Encik L decided to become fully involved in the training! EEEE-ORRRRR! EEEE-ORRRRR! EEEE-ORRRRR! Alarm bells rang in all our collective heads… better take cover just in case he blows up the island.

In the most garang voice that an over-sized hamster can muster, he shouted: “Oi!! Men!! Let me show you what real GST is! All you coo-coos like bleeding sissies!” (to provide the context for the sound effect his shouting induced, imagine Mickey Mouse speaking after inhaling helium…)

So, all of the squiggly lines and bars and crabs retreated to the relative safety of the nearest shade to watch the Encik L Sideshow unfold.

The recruits by now have grown to fear every time Encik L decided to take matters into his own hands and many were beginning to look as if they wanted to wet their pants…

Our brave and intrepid Encik L put on his gear and sauntered to the front of the men, leading them to the edge of the lalang patch.

For those who have no clue about military matters here is a not-so-accurate but sufficient primer to set the scene. If I tell you more then it will compromise national security and I will have to kill you by making you laugh too much: In combat situations out in the field, if the lead man or in fact any man spots the enemy/hears the enemy/is tragically shot by the enemy, he/she/it shouts in the loudest manly-voice he/she/it can muster: CONTACT!!!!!! Which in the army is not pronounced as it should, and this will be made apparent to you shortly.

Back to Encik L. There he is, poised, ready for combat, ready to pounce like… a giant green hamster!!! Oooo… cuddly… and so, with men spread out, the tension in the air grows thick, the suspense builds to a crescendo, and violins screech out a dramatic tune in the background…………… the men follow their leader into the dense lalang, not knowing what awaits them…

Then, all of a sudden, the giant furry green hamster goes down flat into the undergrowth. In an instance, a well-trained-sharp-eyed recruit sees the danger… he turns his head sharply and shouts like he’s never shouted before: KOTEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We pause for a commercial… Voiceover: “Kotex – the solution to the sophisticated woman’s solution problem.” And no back to the show.

The men react in an instance to the shouting of the name of a sanitary napkin and react as all men do - they jump for cover and cower in fear. The entire company hits the ground and sends up a collective cloud of smoke that is bound to attract the attention of the imaginary enemy (if the sanitary napkin has not caught their attention already.. doh!!!)

At this moment, Encik L begins to take his leave of his intimate liaison with Mother Earth and clamours onto his feet. He turns and faces the troops, and then it becomes apparent to the collective cluster-f**k of squiggly lines, bars and crabs what had happened…

Standing there in the middle of lalang-lalang land was a giant green furry hamster with with with… a line of bright red streaming down his protuberance.

In a moment of inspired brilliance, Encik L has tripped over dead lalang and had fallen flat on his nose!!!! It hadn’t occurred to him that the wet trickle down his face and neck was not sweat and so he heroically turned round to praise the men for “reacting quickly and remembering their training well.”

Again with "well-trained" men, not a single one wanted to be so disrespectful as to interrupt their garang Encik to let him in on the fact that there was BLOOD running out of his NOSE.

At this moment, the scene pans over to the old cluster-f**k of squiggly lines, bars and crabs, who are suffering the most cruel and worst possible military torture allowed under the Geneva Conventions – laughing themselves to death.

When the group recovers enough, an unfortunate medic is arrowed to quietly break the news to Encik L. Thereafter, no more extra GST…

More Encik L coming soon!

- zayam

3 comments:

MaKan GuRu said...

lemme guess, Encik L is those regs who got no where to promote too liao right? Wah lao is i have an encik like him leading me into war, i would shot my own foot first man!

zayam said...

hahaha, actually Encik L was a relatively nice guy. He did have a sad accident that sort of limited his promotion, but he was an absolute klutz to say the least

Adolphus said...

Very effective piece of writing, thanks for your post.
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