Wednesday, April 13, 2005


Strange but true tales on a rustic military installation a stone's throw away from the Johor coastline. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Installment 1

Story 1 - The attempted suicide

Private Bang was a HQ clerk, enjoying the perks of being Chief Clerk's pet--staying out, lunches out of camp, doing duty in air-con comfort, frequent tea breaks and report sicks out camp (i.e., get MC from GP). This office slacker riled the feathers of the other more 'on the ball' clerks in the office, misplacing faxes, 'forgetting' important messages and more often than not, getting other clerks into hot water. One fine day the Hd MP (Head of Manpower) CPT Yap (CPT = Captain, one rank higher than Lieutenant) announced that Maintenance Company OC (Officer Commanding aka boss of ‘fix anything that’s broke’ company) has been repeatedly knocking on his door for a clerk and told the gang to 'choose' a volunteer. Guess how the voting went?

So hapless Bang was sent to the company line by the wet gap, a dusty, hot and mosquito infested pre-WWII concrete hangar. The CSM (Company Sergeant Major), a certain 2WO Boh aka Lao Boh (2WO = 2nd Warrant Officer, the 4th highest NCO rank) took one look at him and knew he was trouble. So he resolved to 'train' this soldier--Chief clerk let you stay out? Ok, book in 7 a.m. every morning. Chief lets you lunch outside? Don't let me catch you or you'll sign 7! Want to report sick out of camp? No way! You come back to camp and let MO (Medical Officer) examine you! Late to fall-in after lunch? Sign 2! Too free in the office? Go get my coffee and OC’s newspaper. (FYI: Signing = Committing in writing to perform extra weekend duties)

Pretty soon, the lazy bugger began to feel the heat, both literally and metaphorically--the mosquitoes were eating him alive during duty, the heat emanating from 40 cm thick stone and mortar walls was unbearable, and all his usual 'kenging' tactics were useless with the CSM. He began plotting a return to his fairyland HQ, writing petitions to Hd MP, calling Chief Clerk to help 'persuade' the boss, deliberately messing things up at the Company to make CSM so frustrated with him he'll post him back to HQ, and requesting an appointment at Woodbridge, citing intense psychological stress. But nothing worked. Time for the ultimate trick.

One fine day, after yet another sign-extra session in Incik Lao Boh's office, lazy Bang started crying and banging his head (lightly) on the table, crying 'I want to go back HQ! I want to go back HQ!' CSM, experienced soldier that he was, sat in his chair, waiting for the show to unfold. Bang, fearing his antics were not working, upped the ante by using 2 chairs to strangle himself, making horrible gurgling sounds and getting his face all red and puffy. By now, a couple of senior NCOs had gathered and a few attempted to save him but CSM just calmly raised his hand to stop them. The wimp, after several minutes of playacting, noticed that nobody was coming to his aid and quietly quit his act. CSM, by now totally pissed off, gave him a tongue lashing "CCB, what the F do you think the SAF is? Your mother's army? My surname is not Boh if I don't charge you!" Eventually though, the charges were dropped when Hd MP took pity on him and posted him back to HQ. The bugger's replacement? Me.

Story 2 - An SAF Guide to changing a Jeep's battery

Sergeant Ng, a regular, had just graduated from the automotive technician course. The newcomer was given an easy task. Sign a battery out of the charging room and install it onto the jeep. Easy enough for a man who had just gone through 6 months of training, right? Wrong. The sotong proceeded to shove the battery head in (for those who have never seen a car battery, the top with all the connectors is wider than the bottom, like an ice cube. Batteries are always placed tail first.). No surprise that it didn't fit into the holder, so what did the bugger do? Call for help? No! I am mechanic, I'll figure it out. "Bang, bang." Two blows with the sledge hammer cracked the battery seal. Still don't fit. How about sideways? Another 2 blows fractured the casing, releasing a dangerous arc of concentrated acid that burned mored than one hole through his coverall. His shouts got the section IC running over. "What the F do they teach you at OETI?", he shouted at the by now thoroughly red-faced sergeant. The battered jeep had to be sent to the machine shop so that a new battery holder could be welded in, the electric wiring replaced and rusted components replaced. Damage? A cool few thousand dollars.
Training to be Soldiers

Training to be soldiers, fight for our land
Once in our lives, 2 years of our time
Have you ever wondered, why must we serve?
Because we love our land and we want it to be free, to be free yeah!

Stand up, be on your guard
Come on everybody, do your part
Come on every soldier, soul and heart
Do it for our nation, do it for our Singapore yeah!

Looking all around us, people everywhere
Children having fun, while we are holding guns
Have you ever wondered, why must we serve?
Because we love our land, and we want it to be free to be free yeah


lun said...

Training to be soldiers, fight for our land,
Once in our lives, fucking waste of time.
Have you ever wondered, why must we serve?
Because we have no choice, and we lan lan have to serve, have to serve yeah!

Stand up, be on the run.
Come on everybody, let's AWOL
Come on every soldier, just AWOL!
Do it for our girlfriends, do it for our families yeah!

Looking all around us, people everywhere.
Children having fun, while we're sucking thumbs.
Have you every wondered, why must we serve?
Because we have no choice, and we lan lan have to serve have to serve yeah!

my bmt platoon's variation of the famous song. :)

Agagooga said...

There's more than one variation!

lun said...

yeah! post them all up!

azzurri81 said...

Training to be wankers, wank with our hands,
First you close your eyes, then you fantasize.
I see Cindy Crawford, and me making lo-ove.
Now I start to wank, and I am in ecstasy, ecstasy yeah!

Stand up, be very ha-ard.
Come on little buddy, do your pa-art!
Come on little buddy, fill with blo-od!
Do it for my ego, do it for my reputa-TION!

Looking all around me, semen everywhere.
Semen on my hands, semen on my pants.
Have you every wondered, why we must wa-ank?
Because we serve NS, and we do not have girlfriend, have girlfriend yeah!

lun said...

ooh that's the best i've heard so far!

kureshii said...

well, i've heard a more technical version, usually chanted in ocs:

Training to be soldiers, fight in the jungle
carrying the LAW, firing the SAW
Have you ever wondered, why so damn heavy?
Because we infantry, and we lan-lan must carry, must carry, yeah. (no exclamation mark at the end, as expected)

kureshii said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
thecrazzybugger said...

how's chief clerk? still as fat as ever?
and how's ah ho's meat rice? Steady bo. eh compared to the Coy Clerks, the HQ clerks are damn slack lor!

vandice said...

wah, so many variations ah? haha... way to go guys.

zx: I was there long long time ago... remember ah ho though, his super oily fried rice and illegally caught catfish etc etc... strange leh, always thought it tasted betta than cookhouse, even after they modernise... which batch are you? i was there ard 8 yrs back...

andrew said...

training to be soldiers
get fucked by our land
once in our life
2 years waste of time
but it doesn't end
when you ord
we become reservists
and have 13 cycles more to serve, yah.


MaKan GuRu said...

i was a VM and attended OETI(Only Eat Talk and Idle)Trust me when i say this, you don't learn anything in there. We asked our instructor once, what was the diff between disc and drums brakes. His response was "one more garang then the other" i learnt more about what i had to do from reading car magazines and the maintainance manuals.

Reg VMs are usually even worse. think about it, most of us on the VM course then were a-levelers (not that we are that much smarter)and even we were as lost when we passed out from there. The good reg VMs (With poly dip in mech eng or something like that) get posted to GSMBs, units get the no hope reg VMs.

i think i will start posting about OETI, it really was a surreal experience being there.

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